When it was just us.

Perfectly sums up my feelings as I navigate life with a toddler and newborn.

Girl in the Corner

Last night as I was rushing through a shower to wash the ever-present milk smell off of myself (just to get spit up on again right after), a familiar song came on Pandora. It was one that my husband used for his alarm sound when we were newly weds. It caught me by surprise when my eyes started to tear up. Instantly, there was this wave of emotion that swept over me with just the first few notes. The feeling ran deep. It was powerful. I was taken back to those mornings, waking up with him beside me and starting the slow crawl out of bed to get ready for work…already looking forward to getting home to curl up with each other on the couch. It was just us.

I miss my husband.

We are three years into this marriage. We don’t hold hands. He sleeps on the couch. I…

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Posted in Uncategorized

Gender Reveal Party: It’s A…

For those of you wondering, a gender reveal party is a gathering where you reveal the gender of your baby in a fun way. Sometimes not even the parents know until the big reveal!
We decided to do a gender reveal party for our 3rd child. My husband and I found out the gender beforehand and then chose to reveal the gender with frosting filled cupcakes. We invited all our family and a close friend who is like a sister to me.

I plan on adding photos to this post later on (they are stored on my external hard drive right now).

It was a really great time. It was also the first time I had hosted a party or event at my own home so I was pretty nervous about how it would go. Everyone seemed to have a great time, both the families got along and most importantly my husband and I had a blast keeping everyone guessing. I am really glad that I chose to do a gender reveal and that our next child will have their own celebration to be told about.

The day that my husband and I actually found out the gender was about 2 weeks before. We decided to not find out in the ultrasound room but instead had the technician write the gender on a piece of paper. We then went to enjoy an adult dinner together (William was with one of his great-grandmothers that day). I gave our waitress the envelope and told her that we didn’t know the gender of our next child yet. For dessert I asked if she could bring out a cheesecake with either blueberries on top or strawberries. Obviously blueberries would mean it was a boy, and strawberries would mean it was a girl. The waitress was wonderful and very excited about the whole thing. Hubby and I had to sit through dinner and patiently wait. But it was exciting and fun to do our own little private gender reveal.

So here is our dessert. (I had started eating before thinking ‘Oh I should take a photo!’)

Which means it is a BOY!
Yup, we’re going to have two boys running around. No one will ever be able to say my house isn’t exciting.
As for names, we chose Ignatius Solomon. Ignatius is Latin meaning ‘fiery.’ Solomon is Hebrew meaning ‘peaceful’.
Oh and the paper that we asked the ultrasound technician to write down the gender on, she instead decided to print an ultrasound picture that clearly showed our son’s gender with the caption “It’s a boy!” So our very cheerful and wonderful waitress got that handed to her, which I did not realize until she asked me if I wanted the photo back. Oops.

Posted in Family, Raising Children

Crazy Life

I hope everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas (or whatever other holiday you may celebrate this time of year).
We moved to a much larger house in November. We decided not to get internet until I needed it for college so I haven’t had a chance to do any blog posts. I have a lot to update everyone on so expect quite a few posts in the next few days.
Some upcoming posts are going to be about our gender reveal party in November, the Christmas season, and how my pregnancy has been going. I also have about 7 posts that are in the works covering a variety of topics. So stay tuned!
Right now I am preparing for college starting next week (new college and new degree). My husband and I are also going to be substitute teachers at a local Christian school over the next few weeks. So quite busy.
As always if you have any ideas for posts feel free to send them my way!

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Posted in Uncategorized

Birthday Boy

So here are some photos from William’s birthday bash. I did not include any of the festivities in order to respect guests privacy. But it seemed like everyone (including William) had a blast. We made WAY too much food and ended up bringing a lot of it home. I ended up not doing games at all and the kids were very happy to instead chase balloons and throw them as William tried to keep up with everyone.
Overall it turned out great. No major meltdowns. However I doubt we will throw such a big bash again any time soon. Just way too much planning and energy to execute the plans.

Flickr Photo Set Link

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Posted in Family, Raising Children

I am Not Essential

It is a little disheartening to see my job being called “not essential.” I know that my coworkers and the people who visit our national park do not believe that. But Congress has deemed over 87% of National Park Service employees as “non-essential.”

Now let me tell you a little bit of what I have done as an interpretation park ranger. Read more ›

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Posted in In The News

Impending Government Shut-Down

So working for the federal government has a lot of good points. Great pay, great coworkers, respect, looks good on your resume, and usually pretty stable working conditions. Unless of course the politicians can’t stop arguing about the budget long enough to prevent a government shut down.

Now I am no economist and I have not studied this budget issue in depth. But I want to talk about the impending government shut down from the perspective of a federal employee, a mother, and a citizen of the United States. Read more ›

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Posted in In The News

You Can Say The Name of my Dead Child

There are tons of varying views of what constitutes a human being and when a human life begins. Scientifically a human life begins at the moment of conception and you can’t deny that fact.
“Resolving the question of when human life begins is critical for advancing a reasoned public policy debate over abortion and human embryo research. This article considers the current scientific evidence in human embryology and addresses two central questions concerning the beginning of life: 1) in the course of sperm-egg interaction, when is a new cell formed that is distinct from either sperm or egg? and 2) is this new cell a new human organism—i.e., a new human being? Based on universally accepted scientific criteria, a new cell, the human zygote, comes into existence at the moment of sperm-egg fusion, an event that occurs in less than a second. Upon formation, the zygote immediately initiates a complex sequence of events that establish the molecular conditions required for continued embryonic
development. The behavior of the zygote is radically unlike that of either sperm or egg separately and is characteristic of a human organism. Thus, the scientific evidence supports the conclusion that a zygote is a human organism and that the life of a new human being commences at a scientifically well defined ‘moment of conception.’ This conclusion is objective, consistent with the factual evidence, and independent of any specific ethical, moral, political, or religious view of human life or of human embryos.”

A paper published by the Westchester Institute for Ethics and the Human Person. Published in 2008.

That being said. My miscarriage was not the loss of some lifeless tissue. I lost a child. You can acknowledge that in front of me. You can talk about it.
You can use their name in conversation. The name we chose was Kai, which is gender neutral because we were not far enough along to know the gender yet. Kai also has many meanings which we felt was appropriate because we did not get to meet our baby or know their personality. In Hawaiian it means the sea or the ocean. The English and Welsh meaning is keeper of the keys. The Finnish meaning is rejoice. The Scottish meaning is fire. The German meaning is fort. The Scandinavian and Greek meanings are keeper of the keys or earth. The Japanese meaning is the earth. The Chinese meaning is Plentiful. A name full of possibilities.
I will not get upset if you mention my miscarriage or say Kai’s name. I will not be angry or hurt. I know you are trying to be kind in not mentioning it ever again. I know you may feel awkward or unsure of how to talk to me about my loss. It’s hard to understand if you have not been there and I realize that.
But I am more frustrated and hurt when everyone ignores my second child. Especially after I have made it very clear that I want people to talk about it. I want people to acknowledge that I lost a child and that Kai will not be forgotten. My son was not without a sibling before this current pregnancy. He had an angel brother or sister watching over him.
I will get 10+ friends on Facebook “liking” and commenting on my son’s birthday photos. But when I post a photo of the remembrance necklace I just got in the mail for Kai everyone disappears. It is ok to “like” that photo. It is ok to comment on it. It is even ok to ask me questions about the miscarriage or about Kai. I will not get offended or be upset.
Maybe everyone expects me to handle this differently. I know that it is considered more appropriate to remain quiet about our losses. Some of you may not even see it as a child I lost. But this is not something that anyone should be quiet about. It is not something that a family should have to go through in silence.
After my intial grief the next thing I did was go onto online miscarriage forums and do my best to help other women through their miscarriages. Maybe that was an odd thing for me to do but it helped me deal with my grief. I realized that if I tried to run away from it like I had when my grandmother died then I would just lose myself and everything I cared about.

I can’t keep quiet about Kai because I loved him or her. I never got to hold them. I never even got to see an ultrasound picture of them. But I loved them with all my heart. Just because no one ever got to meet Kai does not mean they he or she should be ignored as if he or she never existed. Because Kai was a living, unique, and greatly loved human being who is missed. I may be expecting again but not a day goes by where one part of me does not miss Kai and wish that he or she was still here.

Don’t be afraid to remember and love Kai with me. My husband and I lost a child. Our parents lost a grandchild. Our grandparents lost a great-grandchild. Our sisters and brothers lost a niece or nephew. Kai should not be forgotten.

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Posted in Family, Pregnancy Loss

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