You Can Say The Name of my Dead Child

There are tons of varying views of what constitutes a human being and when a human life begins. Scientifically a human life begins at the moment of conception and you can’t deny that fact.
“Resolving the question of when human life begins is critical for advancing a reasoned public policy debate over abortion and human embryo research. This article considers the current scientific evidence in human embryology and addresses two central questions concerning the beginning of life: 1) in the course of sperm-egg interaction, when is a new cell formed that is distinct from either sperm or egg? and 2) is this new cell a new human organism—i.e., a new human being? Based on universally accepted scientific criteria, a new cell, the human zygote, comes into existence at the moment of sperm-egg fusion, an event that occurs in less than a second. Upon formation, the zygote immediately initiates a complex sequence of events that establish the molecular conditions required for continued embryonic
development. The behavior of the zygote is radically unlike that of either sperm or egg separately and is characteristic of a human organism. Thus, the scientific evidence supports the conclusion that a zygote is a human organism and that the life of a new human being commences at a scientifically well defined ‘moment of conception.’ This conclusion is objective, consistent with the factual evidence, and independent of any specific ethical, moral, political, or religious view of human life or of human embryos.”

A paper published by the Westchester Institute for Ethics and the Human Person. Published in 2008.

That being said. My miscarriage was not the loss of some lifeless tissue. I lost a child. You can acknowledge that in front of me. You can talk about it.
You can use their name in conversation. The name we chose was Kai, which is gender neutral because we were not far enough along to know the gender yet. Kai also has many meanings which we felt was appropriate because we did not get to meet our baby or know their personality. In Hawaiian it means the sea or the ocean. The English and Welsh meaning is keeper of the keys. The Finnish meaning is rejoice. The Scottish meaning is fire. The German meaning is fort. The Scandinavian and Greek meanings are keeper of the keys or earth. The Japanese meaning is the earth. The Chinese meaning is Plentiful. A name full of possibilities.
I will not get upset if you mention my miscarriage or say Kai’s name. I will not be angry or hurt. I know you are trying to be kind in not mentioning it ever again. I know you may feel awkward or unsure of how to talk to me about my loss. It’s hard to understand if you have not been there and I realize that.
But I am more frustrated and hurt when everyone ignores my second child. Especially after I have made it very clear that I want people to talk about it. I want people to acknowledge that I lost a child and that Kai will not be forgotten. My son was not without a sibling before this current pregnancy. He had an angel brother or sister watching over him.
I will get 10+ friends on Facebook “liking” and commenting on my son’s birthday photos. But when I post a photo of the remembrance necklace I just got in the mail for Kai everyone disappears. It is ok to “like” that photo. It is ok to comment on it. It is even ok to ask me questions about the miscarriage or about Kai. I will not get offended or be upset.
Maybe everyone expects me to handle this differently. I know that it is considered more appropriate to remain quiet about our losses. Some of you may not even see it as a child I lost. But this is not something that anyone should be quiet about. It is not something that a family should have to go through in silence.
After my intial grief the next thing I did was go onto online miscarriage forums and do my best to help other women through their miscarriages. Maybe that was an odd thing for me to do but it helped me deal with my grief. I realized that if I tried to run away from it like I had when my grandmother died then I would just lose myself and everything I cared about.

I can’t keep quiet about Kai because I loved him or her. I never got to hold them. I never even got to see an ultrasound picture of them. But I loved them with all my heart. Just because no one ever got to meet Kai does not mean they he or she should be ignored as if he or she never existed. Because Kai was a living, unique, and greatly loved human being who is missed. I may be expecting again but not a day goes by where one part of me does not miss Kai and wish that he or she was still here.

Don’t be afraid to remember and love Kai with me. My husband and I lost a child. Our parents lost a grandchild. Our grandparents lost a great-grandchild. Our sisters and brothers lost a niece or nephew. Kai should not be forgotten.

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Posted in Family, Pregnancy Loss

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